praying about ministries

God, where do you want me to go in life? What do you want me to do? How can I best use my talents, gifts, abilities, and resources for your glory? What must I do to be in your will?

Tonight I was offered an summer internship opportunity with Campus Crusade for Christ... totally separate from the New Zealand summer project.... and I was heartbroken to have to turn it down.
Actually, I was shocked to find out how much I wanted to take it. It made me realize just how much I'd love to be a staff member with CCC. I would love to be able to minister to MK's and TCK's, or go on STINT, or even perhaps - if the Lord so leads - become a full-time international staff member. Even though I couldn't accept the internship, I think it was a blessed and gentle reminder to me to keep my options open and to continue praying about the mission field and about my ministry...

It's awesome. :)))

Speaking of the New Zealand summer project, as I wait for my "acceptance SP packet" to arrive in the mail, I've been namestorming for people to send my support letters to.

Guess what?

The Lord has blessed me with so many loving, supportive people in my life! I'm excited to ask people to join me in praying for the people in New Zealand and the ministry there. :)

More updates to come.

a new path

I really should be studying for my exam tomorrow. Really. I should. But I'm just so excited for what God has in store for me this year that I can't hold it in.

As I was re-reading the one post I have on here, the one that I wrote a year and a half ago, I'm reminded of just how far the Lord has brought me. I remember where I was when I wrote that post. I wasn't plugged into my church, didn't have much Christian accountability, and was pretty self-absorbed in most respects. Not to say that I don't still struggle with thinking of myself too often (because I definitely do), but... like I said... God has brought me a long ways from where I used to be. Praise Him. :)

I also think it's interesting that that blog is talking about trusting God with school. And now I'm having to trust Him with my job and with my future. I'm sensing a theme here. :)

In this blog entry I'm going to be discussing the Campus Crusade for Christ Summer Project. More specifically, the New Zealand summer project. That's what's been going on lately, and that's pretty much what a lot of today was about. :)

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HOW IT ALL STARTED (This is basically what I wrote in my application for the summer project about a month ago. The question was "Why do you feel God is calling you to go on a summer project?"):

I started becoming interested in summer projects ever since my younger brother Sam went on a MK2MK trip during the summer of '08. He had such a great time, and when I heard his stories I thought to myself, "I want that! That'd be so cool to go on a CCC missions trip!" But I always found excuses why I could not go... so I never did.

Recently I had the opportunity to reconnect with an old childhood friend (also a CCC MK) after several years of not being in contact. She and I both go to Cal State University, Fullerton now. She said she wanted to go to on a summer project. That was the first time in a while that I had thought about it.

I only have classes on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, but one week I happened to be on campus on a Wednesday, which is when the CCC meetings take place. I went to the meeting and the first person I met one of the staff members who was going to be leading one of the summer projects to Japan. He encouraged me to look into going on a project. Then, during the meeting, it was announced that there was going to be a dessert fellowship that Friday night to discuss summer projects. I was supposed to work on Friday night, but my shift got unexpectedly cancelled because of weather conditions so - at the last minute - I called my friend Sara and we went to the fellowship.

During the fellowship, I not only learned a lot about the summer projects but I was able to hear testimonies from different staff members who'd gone on several projects. They told me about how my faith would be challenged and stretched, about how my life would be changed, that I would never be able to experience anything like this, about the relationships I would build, about the teaching and training I would receive, and about what a blessing it would be... I want all of it.

Since then I have talked with my closest friends, my parents, and leaders at my church and they all have urged me to pray about going. My parents especially have been very encouraging. My mother went on a CCC summer project when she was in college and she said that that trip changed her life and instilled in her a deeper desire to pursue missions.

I have been praying about it for almost a month now. Summer is the time when I usually make the most money, but if I go on this trip that will mean having to quit my job and not working all summer. With the way that this economy is, I am so scared. How will I pay for college? What will I do when I come back? I have tried to bargain with God. I have presented him with all of my old excuses. I have cried about it. But, despite my fears and my worries, the summer projects have never left my heart. I decided to stop fighting Him. I am submitting to the Lord and just following. I have taken comfort in Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I feel at peace with this.

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Well, I definitely feel the Lord's leading me to still go on this project. During the application process I applied for the Santa Monica trip and the Tokyo trip (because the staff from CSUF were going to be leading those two trips) and I applied for one of the Australia ones because it was listed that a lot of people from the west cost (including California) were going to be going on those trips. But the longer I prayed about it, the more I was like, "Am I putting God in a box? What if He wants me to go on another trip?"

So I looked around more on the website ( http://gosummerproject.com/ ) and I saw the New Zealand trip. Here's the description:

"New Zealand, aside from being naturally beautiful, has some of the most diverse universities of anywhere in the world. You will get to be an integral part of a new ministry. In 2006 we sent a summer project team for the first time to work with NZ nationals and a handful of students to start a "Student Life" [the name used for Campus Crusade for Christ in NZ] ministry there among the 3 campuses in Wellington. We are going to be helping the National staff with their winter conference - which is a great way to ease into the Kiwi culture, then we will be going to Wellington to share the Gospel with students on campus and help to build into the ministry there.

Although an overseas project is definitely different than a stateside, there are still some similar elements. We will still be having a Bible study, discipleship, training and fellowship among other things. We will do lots of evangelism and follow-up, along with plenty of relationship building and encouraging of local Kiwi students. Project participants will be able to take the training and experience directly back to their campuses in the US."

(bold added by me... it was the stuff that stood out to me)

When I read that, I immediately thought, "I want this! I really, truly with-all-of-my-heart want this!" So I put that one as my #1 choice. I figured that if it was full (I assumed that it was going to be) that I would have my 3 "safer" options with staff from my school and my state.

Today I got a call from one of the staff women heading the New Zealand summer project. Her name is Susie. She was so lovely. She answered all of my questions and she was very kind and easy to talk to, especially when we went over the more difficult questions in the "confidential" section of my application. Just hearing her heart for the Lord, for her family, for the students, for New Zealand, and for campus ministry... I was so encouraged and so ridiculously inspired! :D Everything that she said that we're going to get to do, I want to do. All the ways that we're going to get challenged, I want it.

God, please use me. I'm ready for the challenges and spiritual attack that I might face in the upcoming year, but it's okay. Because you are good and you are with me... Take my life. All of me...

Yeah, so... anyway. That conversation with Susie went really well. Apparently I'm going to be getting a packet in the mail. She and the other staff leaders will be calling me regularly. I need to start support raising. Etc.

I- AM- SO- EXCITED!!!!!!!

The Lord is AWESOME!

I'll definitely keep you posted on the other things that happen in regards to this summer project. In New Zealand! That's where they filmed The Lord of the Rings! haha :)

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Yeah, I guess I should stop writing now before this blog gets so long that nobody wants to read it. But no. I'm still going. I'm telling you- today was an amazing day!! :) I have to postpone studying for my exam to tell you about it!! :)

So... I was online, looking up tools on how to write a résumé, and then I ended up on the CSUF titan connection thingy, which means I ended up looking up potential jobs (even though I'm technically not looking for a job yet), and that got me thinking that I would love to work at the CSUF library... and, hey, I'll need a job in the fall because I have to quit Disney in order to go on summer project... hm. I'll call them and find out what's up!

I called the library (this is literally right after I hung up the phone with Susie) and apparently the administrator of the library picked up. Her name is Donna. I've never met her, but after talking with her for awhile on the phone she said that she'd try to keep a job for me for this fall! She said that I should come to the library in July, but when I said that I'd be out of the country at that time, she said that I should just come in May then. And if someone tells me that the library isn't accepting applications, that I should tell them that Donna said it was okay.

Let me tell you... The whole stress about quitting my job suddenly vanished. Dude, I haven't even quit yet and I already have a new job lined up! A job that I would like BETTER than my current one! A job that I've always wanted- working in a library! :) Granted, it might not work out. There's a possibility that something will fall through between now and then. But still! This whole situation reminded me that God is in control and that He will provide. I mean, seriously. Can you say MIRACULOUS PROVISION? She hasn't even met me and already she's offering me a job! INSANE! :D I hope it works out. I'll keep you posted on this as well.

I'm not so sad about quitting Disney anymore. I mean, yeah. I love it. But... I think there are other things out there for me soon.

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So I ended up skyping about all of this with my parents. It was amazing. My Dad was actually one of my CCC staff references for my summer project application. So it made it even cooler to share with him about how I got accepted. And my Mom was super stoked 'cause when she was in college she went on a CCC summer project to Hawaii. She loved it.

It was just such an encouraging time, talking about all of this with my parents. I could tell that they were so happy to see how God was working in my life. And I'm happy too. I forgot what it was like to be so in love with the Lord, and to be surrendering my life to Him.

I'm so blessed to have parents who put God first.

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I'm getting really tired... so my blog is probably going to start becoming simply a stream of consciousness... or maybe it already has... I don't know... regardless, bear with me here! I'm almost done! :)

Tonight I was going to go to Calvary Chapel La Habra (my home church), but then a girl from my CCC small group at CSUF (Amanda) wrote me on facebook, asking me if I was going to Selah (which is essentially just like the weekly CCC meetings except at 7:30pm instead of noon on Wednesday... and it's more intimate). SO I decided I'd go to Selah for the first time just to check it out.

OMG. AAAAAAAAAWESOME! :D I loved it.

You know what else was a blessing? I got to know Amanda better outside of small group. AND, randomly (or maybe not quite so randomly...?), the girl who sat down next to me is Christina, one of the staff at CSUF and one of the leaders in my small group! The first (and only time) that I was able to go to small group (which was a few days ago) Christina hadn't been able to make it so I hadn't met her yet. But of all the places she could've sat tonight during Selah she sat next to me. Being able to meet her was so great. She has such a sweet heart.

Campus Crusade for Christ has been such a crazy awesome blessing from the Lord for such a long time. Maybe I should start praying about joining staff someday... Who knows where the Lord will lead next??? It's such an exciting adventure, life is. :)

Speaking of which, tonight at Selah Jonathan (the main staff leader... his wife Kristin and him were the ones who had the dessert fellowship at their house for the summer projects) talked about giving our lives fully over the Lord. How are we letting God use us? How are we going to contribute and minister to the Kingdom of God? Who am I going to serve alongside with? How am I going to use my talents, skills, desires, hobbies, etc., for God? He used the parable about the Master who gave his servants talents. To one he gave 5 talents, to another he gave 2, and to the last one he gave 1.

What am I going to do with what God has blessed me with? Am I going to hide in fear, not letting God use me? Or am I going to step out in faith and multiply God's gifts for His glory?

I'm not quoting Jonathan word-for-word. I wish I had had paper so I could've taken notes. But the point is... This is exactly what I needed to hear. I should not fear what the Lord has in store for me. I shouldn't hesitate stepping out in faith. He is awesome. He is worth giving up everything because not only is everything already His, but He already gave up everything for me!

I love you, Jesus. You- are- AMAZING! <3

transferring to a college

when I was in high school I got good grades because I wanted good grades. I really really wanted to do well. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted to know that I was putting forth my best effort in school. I didn't want to settle for less than what was my best... and my best usually was an A. unless we were in a science or math class, then... well... I was content with a B. a B was fine. haha :)

now I'm in college. yay.

my grades are totally shot. I don't know what happened other than I lost focus and floundered around in the world. that sounds like I might be trying to give myself some lame excuse, as though my lowered grade point average is not my fault. I know it's completely my fault.

and now I'm about to transfer to another school. and my grades aren't good. I hate it. I'm ashamed. I think I've been in denial for these past couple of years... I've been distracted, had horrible priorities, and didn't care about school. and now I have to transfer. there's this tight constricting in my throat, and a strange pain in my lungs, and I feel like my head is spinning...

I have to face the idea that I might get rejected by the school that I decide to transfer to. I might seriously get rejected... and what will I do if I couldn't continue on to a university? what will I do? 'cause I can pray all I want and that won't change my GPA. I can study all I can... that won't change the last few semesters of my life.

I'm filled with shame, regret, and anxiety.

God, I give this situation up to you... because I know that there is no way I'll be able to make it on my own. I'm meeting with the Cypress counselor next Wednesday. hopefully that'll go well. hopefully they'll say that I can transfer. hopefully it'll all go alright.

I'm so scared.